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Doni Bulow a"h

Grandma Oralee's letter to her friends

6/11/2013

3 Comments

 
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                                                                                                            June 5, 2013

Dear Family and Friends,

            Early Sunday morning, May 19, Aliza called me in Sunriver from Denver Health to tell me that Doni had taken poison, was unconscious and would not live. The family was at the hospital and had said their final words.  Sari took Aliza’s phone back into Doni’s room so I could tell him how much I loved and treasured him.

            In Orthodox Judaism, burial is done the same day before sundown.  Harry and I drove the 4 hours to the Portland airport and then flew to Denver. We arrived at the cemetery at 7:30 pm just after his service ended. We joined the family hugging them one by one near the grave, all of us in deep grief.

            I had been in Denver the previous week, May 8-13, for Uri’s graduation from the University of Colorado. During my visit Doni engaged our long and loving connection with each other. He easily fixed a problem on my lap top while telling me I needed to update my hardware. He was excited about treating me to a gluten free pizza lunch at Udi’s cafe; showing me one of his favorite movies, Across the Universe; playing songs he appreciated; and, inviting me to join his computer geek’s chat room for an interview with a favorite author. I returned from that visit with old concerns but new hope as I took the plunge into his chat room on the 15th and witnessed the camaraderie among the members.

            Just days later, Harry and I were staying with the Bulows. They followed the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva.” -- seven days of staying home, doing nothing of the normal routines of life, while people came to mourn with the family. Three meals a day were brought by community members. The men of their synagogue came to the house for morning and afternoon/evening prayers each day. Others in the community visited, took care of daily needs and housekeeping. Doni’s school mates, friends and teachers came. Family and friends flew in from around the country and Israel to spend a few hours to several days with them.

            This ritual container for grief allowed for a deepening and rich process while memories, stories and perspectives were told with ready tears and sometimes, laughter. The caring of the community and the love in the family was palpable. A fuller sense of Doni in his complexity, humor, wonder, helpfulness, computer genius knowledge and interior pain emerged. His mind contained brilliance and illness. Hopefully we will learn more about the functioning of the brain to help people so troubled that the only option they see to end the pain is to end their life.

            Hopefully we can reach out to others with compassion and kindness as they deal with family members or themselves living inside complex, unquiet minds which few of us can understand.  Hopefully Doni’s life and death can open doors for discussions and help requested and given to those in need. This is what we can do for each other as we hold the preciousness of each day of life.

With deep gratitude for your loving care and prayers,

Oralee


3 Comments
Tony Gutierrez
6/11/2013 01:32:02 pm

Beautiful perspective. Obviously being a peripheral element of the family, I had no idea of Doni's struggle. I am so sorry for your loss but I am very happy about the prospect that he is at peace. Love to you all . . .

Reply
Vivien Lobell
6/12/2013 12:33:05 am

Thank you for sharing your beautiful words and feelings with us all. We all feel the loss and share in your pain. We hope and trust that Doni is at peace. Sending you hugs and many kisses
Much love
The Lobell Family

Reply
Sandra Johanna link
7/2/2023 07:13:16 pm

Thhanks for the post

Reply



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    Doni Musings

    A mother's thoughts about the life and death of her youngest son: Doni (Daniel Moshe) Bulow.

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This site is dedicated to the memory of Daniel Moshe a"h ben Ephraim Adam HaLevi Bulow
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  • Home
    • Upcoming and Current Classes
    • Meet Aliza
  • Meet Aliza
    • Video Introduction: Becoming What I Want to Be
    • Aliza Bulow-Jewish Press Article 2016
    • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
    • Family First Article: From Puritan to Pure Jew The Journey of Aliza Bulow
    • My Job: Honey Bee Kiruv (Horizon Magazine)
    • Videos >
      • Becoming What I Want to Be
      • Keshet Honoree Video
      • Gitty Bulow's video
      • Shema Video
  • Audio
    • Talks from Travels
    • The Jewish University: History
    • The Jewish University: Foundations
    • Relationships and Growth >
      • A Marriage Made in Heaven
      • Strengthening Relationships
      • Parenting
      • Self Esteem
      • Bridging the [Mussar] Gap
      • Roadmap to the Real You
    • Jewish Philosophy >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • Tomer Devorah
      • Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith
      • Philosophy Discussion Group
      • Secret Life of Davening
    • Sefer HaChinuch
    • Holidays >
      • Passover/Pesach
      • Shavuot
      • Three Weeks and Tisha B'Av
      • Elul and High Holy Days >
        • Elul and Rosh Hashana
        • Mexico Elul 2011
        • Falling In Love With G-d
        • Ten Days of Repentance and Yom Kippur
        • Tomer Devorah
      • Chanukah
      • Purim
    • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
    • For Mikarvot >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • WIK and Campus Conference 2013 >
        • Why Women Can't Be Rabbis
      • WIK Conference 2010 and 2011
      • Bayla's Sheloshim Shiur
      • Shalom Bayit in Hebrew
  • Writings
    • Aliza's Stories >
      • Harry's Magic
      • Am I for Real? A Shema Story
      • Kindness in Kansas
      • Welling Up
      • When Chocolate Isn't Enough
      • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
      • My First Partner in Torah
      • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
      • Honey Bee Kiruv
    • Holidays and Lifecycle >
      • Why Round Challah
      • Connecting Through Fasting
      • Reincarnation in the Book of Ruth
      • Orthodox Jewish Weddings
      • Developmental Stages of the Baal Teshuva >
        • Las fases de la recién Observador
    • Spirituality >
      • Four Spiritual Coping Strategies
      • The DaVinci Mode: Seeking the Sacred Feminine
      • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
      • The Mitzvah of Smiling
    • Doni Bulow Memorial Page
  • Public Speaking
    • Speaking Topics
    • Sample Talks
    • Venues at Which I Have Spoken
    • Short bios and pics
    • Contact
  • Resources
    • Hire Aliza
    • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
    • Yinglish: A Lexicon of Judeo-English
    • Books I've Mentioned >
      • The Falconi Effect
    • Poems I like >
      • Sails and Souls
      • Which?
      • Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation
    • Links to Other Torah Sites
  • Contact