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Doni Bulow a"h

Doni's Death

6/11/2013

10 Comments

 
With all of his projects and passions, hugs and laughs, it was hard to reconcile Doni’s desire to get off the planet. From the age of five he told me that “he never asked to come and he didn’t want to stay.” It was difficult raising a child who didn’t want to wake up the next morning. For years I tipped toed downstairs each morning and peered with trepidation around his door to see if he was breathing or not.

Doni had bi-polar disorder as well as Asperger’s syndrome. He was brilliant and quirky and often unpredictable. School often got in the way of his education, especially in the early years. He carried a lot of scars from being misunderstood by teachers and classmates alike. Those frustrations were part of his leaving Jewish practice and thought behind before he reached bar-mitzvah. Switching to Denver Academy, a private secular school for kids with learning differences, gave him a new lease on life. He blossomed there, and his talk of life not being worth living became just a background note in a symphony of other conversations and interests while he was there.

He graduated high school last spring and the note became louder. He and I talked about it often, throughout his life, and certainly lately. We were very close and very open. He shared almost everything with me. He told me that had done a cost benefit analysis and saw that there was more pain than pleasure in the world and that it just wasn’t worth it to stay. Since Doni was Atheist, there was no Jewish insight I could share with him that would make a difference. We read together about “reasons to live” online. None of them persuaded him. He was not in a moment of despair; he was living in a lifelong pain from which he was desperate to find relief. Of course we had seen many doctors and tried many drugs, but none seemed to be effective over the long term.

Although I knew the threat was real, I lived with a measure of denial as I was ever hopeful that he would grow up and grow out of it, at least enough to grow into a productive and meaningful adulthood. Doni had so much potential, it was hard for me to understand that each opportunity felt like a burden to him and that the more potential he had the less he wanted to actualize it.

I am not sure why he chose to leave the day that our “adopted” son Avraham was getting married, but that was the day he chose. I stayed up late Saturday night getting ready to leave to Monsey, NY for his wedding early in the morning on Sunday. As I was sending emails at 1:30 am, Doni asked me why I was up so late and told me that I really should go to bed, that I needed my sleep. We smiled because he was right and said good night. I went to bed at 2 am and at about 2:10 I heard a loud noise. Ever worried, I flew downstairs to see what it was and there was Doni, unconscious, and breathing belaboredly. I knew he had poison in his possession, and instantly I understood what he had done.

I woke up Ephraim and called 911. The operator told me to begin mouth to mouth resuscitation. I told her I couldn’t because he had likely swallowed poison and I didn’t know how lethal it was or if there were traces on his mouth. She yelled at me and told me that I might be able to save his life. I told her that I just couldn’t risk my own to do that. I knew how serious he was… by then Ephraim was there and he started chest compressions until the paramedics arrived.

I felt relieved when I saw the lights, the uniforms and the medical kits of the paramedics. They must be able to make it better; it couldn’t really be that this was the day I dreaded for 14 years. They took him to the hospital and a whole team worked on him for hours. I said tehillim, but I didn’t know what to ask for. I knew how much Doni wanted to go and I knew how much I wanted him to stay. I just davened and left it up to Hashem to decide.

Avi and Gitty met us in the emergency room and Uri drove down from Boulder. He told the doctors what kind of poison Doni had and they tried an antidote to that. They had been trying for 2 hours with little luck to get Doni’s blood pressure back up into a normal range, but he did respond a bit to the antidote. They gave him another round and then another when finally his blood pressure responded and they decided to put him in the pediatric ICU. That was a welcome sign of hope. On the way upstairs, they did and MRI of his head.

We waited for them in the PICU. Aviva arrived. After the MRI, the doctors came to us and explained that there had been so much brain damage in the rescue attempt (long term low blood pressure equals diminished brain function, restoring normal blood pressure equals bleeding into the brain) that there really was nothing left to save. We called Elisheva and she came to the hospital as well (I so didn’t want to call her until I knew more, she had been through enough sorrow this year). They kept him on the machines until the rabbi arrived to give the final ruling that they did not have to try further. We hugged him and kissed him and said our goodbyes and sobbed on each other’s shoulders.

We called Sahra in Detroit and our parents and we sat there in disbelief as we planned a funeral for our 19 year old.

10 Comments
Emily
6/11/2013 05:30:29 am

Wow, what an incredible mom. May you find peace in his memories.

Reply
Shekhinah
7/8/2013 01:39:28 am

God's ways are so mysterious, sometimes the largest mystery being the appropriateness.

A prayer for Doni's Spirit:

May you be blessed with the awareness to direct the Light that now surrounds you in a way that manifests omnipresent Peace, Love, Wisdom, and Awareness.

To Doni's mother: May you be infinitely blessed for your selfless service and devotion.

Humbly,
Shekhinah

Reply
Mary Van Epps
7/8/2013 04:59:50 am

I was very deeply touched by your story. My heart hurts for the pain your son suffered and for your family's pain. I feel he endured more than most of us could ever realize, and I believe he was a very brave human being. I am quite sure than he is now in the arms of a loving God receiving comfort for his wounded heart. I have a grandson who has Asperger disorder, and your story has greatly helped me to understand him more completely. I pray for God's greatest blessings upon your family.

Reply
arona
7/8/2013 04:32:29 pm

What an heroic human being your Dont was,what thought,what a life! Concentrated,rich,and so terribly sad.He was blessed,not all children choose their parents with so much wisdom.heh zichro baruch

Reply
Dr.Chandra link
7/9/2013 09:59:03 pm

I have no words -my all respected friends-- I having so many friends -- to took their path way of suicide -- I can say all are brilliant & rich peoples-- but no peace & happy -why ???- they forgot god instructions

Reply
Diana Goodavage link
7/14/2013 03:49:32 am

My little brother did the same at about that age. He had just turned twenty. He would have been fifty in September of 2012.

G-d bless.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Reply
Jill Sadowsky link
7/14/2013 04:52:14 am

So much emotion welled up inside when I read about Doni. He was such a brilliant person but simply could not find a way to ease his pain. I understand as I have lost a son to paranoid schizophrenia and when he took his life, we understood that he could no longer go on - he needed work, someone to love, and peace of mind. As we do not belong to a congregation, we had nobody to turn to and until the last moment, did not know whether he would be buried in the cemetery or outside. He was buried with everyone else, but no explanation was given, and 'shiva' continued thereafter. If you live in Israel, maybe we can e-mail one another? I would like to give you a hug. Jill

Reply
Gavi
7/30/2013 08:05:32 pm

Thank you for sharing your incredible loss with others. Doni was very fortunate to have had such an incredible and loving family. May you all be comforted knowing that he was loved, that he felt it, and that you did what you could to ease his pain.

Reply
annie
6/26/2016 01:55:22 pm

Thank you for your article. And, may HaShem continue to bless your family. You are incredible people and an example to all of us.

Reply
Kody L link
12/5/2020 10:41:27 pm

Thank you ffor writing this

Reply



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    Doni Musings

    A mother's thoughts about the life and death of her youngest son: Doni (Daniel Moshe) Bulow.

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This site is dedicated to the memory of Daniel Moshe a"h ben Ephraim Adam HaLevi Bulow
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  • Home
    • Upcoming and Current Classes
    • Meet Aliza
  • Meet Aliza
    • Video Introduction: Becoming What I Want to Be
    • Aliza Bulow-Jewish Press Article 2016
    • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
    • Family First Article: From Puritan to Pure Jew The Journey of Aliza Bulow
    • My Job: Honey Bee Kiruv (Horizon Magazine)
    • Videos >
      • Becoming What I Want to Be
      • Keshet Honoree Video
      • Gitty Bulow's video
      • Shema Video
  • Audio
    • Talks from Travels
    • The Jewish University: History
    • The Jewish University: Foundations
    • Relationships and Growth >
      • A Marriage Made in Heaven
      • Strengthening Relationships
      • Parenting
      • Self Esteem
      • Bridging the [Mussar] Gap
      • Roadmap to the Real You
    • Jewish Philosophy >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • Tomer Devorah
      • Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith
      • Philosophy Discussion Group
      • Secret Life of Davening
    • Sefer HaChinuch
    • Holidays >
      • Passover/Pesach
      • Shavuot
      • Three Weeks and Tisha B'Av
      • Elul and High Holy Days >
        • Elul and Rosh Hashana
        • Mexico Elul 2011
        • Falling In Love With G-d
        • Ten Days of Repentance and Yom Kippur
        • Tomer Devorah
      • Chanukah
      • Purim
    • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
    • For Mikarvot >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • WIK and Campus Conference 2013 >
        • Why Women Can't Be Rabbis
      • WIK Conference 2010 and 2011
      • Bayla's Sheloshim Shiur
      • Shalom Bayit in Hebrew
  • Writings
    • Aliza's Stories >
      • Harry's Magic
      • Am I for Real? A Shema Story
      • Kindness in Kansas
      • Welling Up
      • When Chocolate Isn't Enough
      • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
      • My First Partner in Torah
      • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
      • Honey Bee Kiruv
    • Holidays and Lifecycle >
      • Why Round Challah
      • Connecting Through Fasting
      • Reincarnation in the Book of Ruth
      • Orthodox Jewish Weddings
      • Developmental Stages of the Baal Teshuva >
        • Las fases de la recién Observador
    • Spirituality >
      • Four Spiritual Coping Strategies
      • The DaVinci Mode: Seeking the Sacred Feminine
      • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
      • The Mitzvah of Smiling
    • Doni Bulow Memorial Page
  • Public Speaking
    • Speaking Topics
    • Sample Talks
    • Venues at Which I Have Spoken
    • Short bios and pics
    • Contact
  • Resources
    • Hire Aliza
    • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
    • Yinglish: A Lexicon of Judeo-English
    • Books I've Mentioned >
      • The Falconi Effect
    • Poems I like >
      • Sails and Souls
      • Which?
      • Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation
    • Links to Other Torah Sites
  • Contact