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Doni Bulow a"h

Mourning Doni

6/11/2013

5 Comments

 
We made Doni's funeral at 6:30 pm so that Sahra could arrive from Detroit in time. My mother and her fiancé, as well as three dear friends from Long Beach, Tina and Uri Lemberger and Marilyn Hazan Corwin, met us at the cemetery just after the burial.  

When I finally went to bed Sunday night, I realized I had been up since Shabbos morning as I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night. It was a good thing. I don’t know how I would have slept otherwise.

Shiva, the seven days of mourning, was the longest week I ever lived. Each day was so full and so long and so sad. Baruch Hashem we were inundated with visitors, friends and caring community members, but we had no quiet family time to process. Ephraim is an introvert, so just spending so much time in the company of others was a strain for him, and I felt a need to let people know who my son was. He was not known by many in the community and I didn’t want him to be remembered as that Bulow kid who killed himself. I wanted him to have a personality in their eyes.

On the second day of shiva, the third day of our sorrow, Ephraim and I both woke up dreading the day to come. As Ephraim shared his feelings with me, he said, “If Doni felt like this every day when he woke up, I can understand better why he did what he did.” I thought about that during the day. There were times, as we talked about Doni, that we told jokes and laughed. We ate food and added salt, so clearly we had flavor preferences. We hugged others and asked about their welfare, and yet, all day long we were crying inside for Doni who we loved and missed so much. I got a little insight into how one could enjoy some parts of life and yet still be in so much pain that you wish the day would be over.

Each one of us, mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandparents, is mourning in our own way. We all lost the same person, but since we all had our own relationship with him, we all lost a different part of ourselves. We can all offer hugs and love to each other for the journey, but really the journey is alone and lonely. Each one of us needs to figure out on our own how to build a new life and a new family without him.

We are working with the concept that Doni was not a 120 year gift that was cut short, but rather a 19 year gift that we truly appreciated. In his kindness, Rabbi Cahan said that he may have even been a 14 year gift that we got to keep longer because of the work we did with him.

Doni was number 6 after several kids with a variety of learning, attention, emotional and sensory issues. I thought maybe something I learned from raising them would apply to him, but alas, he was a whole new workshop. Here is what I posted the day after his death:

My darling Doni was a question mark, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a mystery. He kept me wondering, wishing and growing. He was a challenge and such a gift. His question mark became a period. Hashem natan, Hashem lakach. Yehi shaim Hashem mivorach.*

*G-d gave and G-d took. May G-d’s name be blessed.

Ephraim related that if, when we had five children and we were considering a sixth, Hashem would have said to us, “I’ll give you a sixth, but he’ll be mentally ill and he’ll take his own life when he is 19. Do you still want him?” We would have probably said, “No, thank you! We’ll stick with five.” But now that we had Doni, we have been so enriched. We are very thankful for his life and for what we have gained through spending those years with him. As difficult as many times were and as profoundly sad our loss and his end is, we are grateful and would not have traded the experience.

5 Comments
Laya link
6/11/2013 07:09:52 am

Dearest Aliza, There's not really anything I can "comment" but I want to connect and tell you my heart is with you and your family in this difficult time. I wish I had more words but I hope you can feel my love and support. <3

Reply
Nina Gilead
7/7/2013 04:31:17 pm

I have been somehow connected to this story through the computer - I am one of those with little understanding of the internet - and feel the need to share my tears with you. I wept for Doni a few times while reading, but what utterly kicked me in the stomach was the quotation of the rabbi, who so kindly suggested that he may have been a 14 yr. gift that you got to keep longer because of the work you did with him. Mine (also the youngest, also a genius and probably bipolar at onset, also born into a good home) was taken at the age of 14 years and 8 months. It happened almost ten years ago, but as you already expect, it never heals. I would like to think that he just saved himself and us a continuation of suffering at the end of which the inevitable would have occured.Our Lyam and your Doni are precious memories. I feel grateful to you for sharing your story in details with me and all others.

Reply
Denise Rootenberg
7/8/2013 06:01:42 am

Nina, I am crying for your son too. You sound like amazing people and I think your children were blessed to be raised by you (plural).

Reply
GLENDA URMACHER
11/10/2013 07:22:12 am

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU, AND YOUR FAMILY.
MY NUSHUAH GOES TO DONI, WHO SUFFERED HORRENDOUSLY, BECAUSE OF AN ILLNESS THAT WAS UNDIAGNOSED FOR YEARS, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO MEDICINE, OR OPERATION THAT COULD HAVE HELPED HIM.
AND I AM ANGRY AT HASHEM FOR ALLOWING THIS CHILD TO BE BORN TO SUFFER.
MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

Reply
Allen N link
11/14/2023 11:12:40 pm

Nice blog you have, thanks for posting

Reply



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    Doni Musings

    A mother's thoughts about the life and death of her youngest son: Doni (Daniel Moshe) Bulow.

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This site is dedicated to the memory of Daniel Moshe a"h ben Ephraim Adam HaLevi Bulow
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  • Home
    • Upcoming and Current Classes
    • Meet Aliza
  • Meet Aliza
    • Video Introduction: Becoming What I Want to Be
    • Aliza Bulow-Jewish Press Article 2016
    • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
    • Family First Article: From Puritan to Pure Jew The Journey of Aliza Bulow
    • My Job: Honey Bee Kiruv (Horizon Magazine)
    • Videos >
      • Becoming What I Want to Be
      • Keshet Honoree Video
      • Gitty Bulow's video
      • Shema Video
  • Audio
    • Talks from Travels
    • The Jewish University: History
    • The Jewish University: Foundations
    • Relationships and Growth >
      • A Marriage Made in Heaven
      • Strengthening Relationships
      • Parenting
      • Self Esteem
      • Bridging the [Mussar] Gap
      • Roadmap to the Real You
    • Jewish Philosophy >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • Tomer Devorah
      • Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith
      • Philosophy Discussion Group
      • Secret Life of Davening
    • Sefer HaChinuch
    • Holidays >
      • Passover/Pesach
      • Shavuot
      • Three Weeks and Tisha B'Av
      • Elul and High Holy Days >
        • Elul and Rosh Hashana
        • Mexico Elul 2011
        • Falling In Love With G-d
        • Ten Days of Repentance and Yom Kippur
        • Tomer Devorah
      • Chanukah
      • Purim
    • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
    • For Mikarvot >
      • Derech Hashem Phone Series
      • WIK and Campus Conference 2013 >
        • Why Women Can't Be Rabbis
      • WIK Conference 2010 and 2011
      • Bayla's Sheloshim Shiur
      • Shalom Bayit in Hebrew
  • Writings
    • Aliza's Stories >
      • Harry's Magic
      • Am I for Real? A Shema Story
      • Kindness in Kansas
      • Welling Up
      • When Chocolate Isn't Enough
      • Elisheva and Yehoshua Hoffman
      • My First Partner in Torah
      • Yated Article: The Adopted Princess- The Story of Aliza Bulow, A Jew by Choice
      • Honey Bee Kiruv
    • Holidays and Lifecycle >
      • Why Round Challah
      • Connecting Through Fasting
      • Reincarnation in the Book of Ruth
      • Orthodox Jewish Weddings
      • Developmental Stages of the Baal Teshuva >
        • Las fases de la recién Observador
    • Spirituality >
      • Four Spiritual Coping Strategies
      • The DaVinci Mode: Seeking the Sacred Feminine
      • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
      • The Mitzvah of Smiling
    • Doni Bulow Memorial Page
  • Public Speaking
    • Speaking Topics
    • Sample Talks
    • Venues at Which I Have Spoken
    • Short bios and pics
    • Contact
  • Resources
    • Hire Aliza
    • Growing Together: A Book for Parents of the Newly Observant
    • Yinglish: A Lexicon of Judeo-English
    • Books I've Mentioned >
      • The Falconi Effect
    • Poems I like >
      • Sails and Souls
      • Which?
      • Washington's Thanksgiving Proclamation
    • Links to Other Torah Sites
  • Contact